You Can Always Count on an AB Major for a Fancy Prose Style

I suck at being a bloggist. I barely had three entries worth of things to say. This is yet another half-baked scheme with which I inevitably did not follow through. If anything, this blog only highlighted my naturally distracted, unengaged personality and my utter lack of focus. Thanks, Aditya. Thanks a lot.

Good bye, hordes of readers. For the last time.

-John

Never mind. I’ll write one tomorrow…

-John

Why do I have a blog? I have nothing to say. At one time, I thought I had such a cornucopia of witty opinions and observations about the world. I considered myself a fitting pundit of everything that moves. I’ve since come to terms with my complete lack of depth, with my utterly phlegmatic views of humanity and the infinite incompetence surrounding my existence.

Dilemma: There is currently a Christmas-themed opera special on PBS, and it is beginning to molest my ear drums beyond the extent of any tangible description. I cannot find the clicker. The television is all the way across the room, and I fear that by the time I get up, walk over to the television, turn off mind-numbingly obnoxious opera, and walk back, my train of thought will be gone. Oh no… the high note is about to come. I’ve heard this stupid rendition of “O Holy Night” so many times. Nooooooooo. Okay it’s over. The high note is over. Fear not. Now there is no need for me to worry about the opera. The apex has been reached, and I believe we’re all better off for having lived through it.

So yeah, incompetent existence, phlegmatic views of humanity, you all know the drill…

I’m sick of this stupid blog. It’s so pointless. I’ve been here for probably eight minutes, and have yet to say anything of any substance. Come to think of it, have I ever said anything of any substance… ever? Let me think back on my life. What constitutes substance? What has someone ever said that has been substantial? I suppose John Locke’s whole ‘Natural Law’ thing was pretty substantial. So were all of Abraham’s ideas about monotheism, since they kind of formed the basis of Western religious philosophy. But were they Abraham’s ideas, or God’s? If they were God’s ideas, then why do we always credit Abraham? Couldn’t it have been anyone? Why not Abraham’s wife? Because she’s a woman? So now God is sexist?

Apparently this is what happens when one tries to churn out substantial observations on life…

I give up. I will return when I gain substance. Perhaps it is because I live in a substance-free dorm. Buyers Hall is just a cult; it robs us of our individuality, leaving us lost in a sea of the generic, without any….. substance.

That’s, sadly, all I’ve got for now.

-John

I have realized that there is a paradox in the life of every “blogger” (whose ranks I apparently joined yesterday night). Those who actually have time to recount their lives in a blog are the ones who have nothing better to do than sit at a computer screen, and therefore having nothing of much substance discuss in the first place. Those who do have interesting stories and experiences, on the other hand, are too busy actually living their lives to stop and write about them.

Regardless of which group I may fall into at the moment, I will do my best to be both accessible and interesting to you, the reader. It is with your support and moblike desire for a daily fix of my voice that I have the will to wake up each morning.

I need to decide when (and if) I will go back to my high school to… visit people. I am technically obligated to stop by, and in fact there is a humorous story attached to my obligation to stop by:

Okay, so at 4:00am on the morning of SV High School’s “Chem-Free After Prom Party” last May, they handed out departing gifts to all the graduating seniors who attended the prom/after-party. Mine, which was chosen by a raffle, was a 15″ computer monitor. I didn’t necessarily have a pressing need for one, but I was content with it. So, I get home around 6:00am, open up the box (which had been re-sealed) and pull out a 13″ computer monitor from some generic company that was not HP, as the box had me believe. There were no directions that went along with it, and the serial number had been scratched out. Disclaimer: Even I didn’t realize that my high school was this ghetto. Needless to say, I mentioned it to the principal and brought back the contraband, thinking that they’d never replace it. However, I learned over fall break, after talking to my friend, who happens to be my junior year English teacher’s daughter, that they had replaced the screen and that I could pick it up whenever I want (this is how efficient our main office is). So yeah, now I need to go back, pick up the screen, and answer obligatory questions, discussing how Princeton is quite rigorous but still the most rewarding academic experience I’ve ever had, etc.

Hey… maybe one day they’ll make a television show based on my blog entries! Who would play me and all the various people in my life? This is a compelling thought. I will consider this over the next few days and finalize the cast by Friday.

Until tomorrow,

-John

Dear Loyal Hordes of Readers,

Hello. How have you all been? I hope this entry finds you all enjoying your winter breaks. For all of you who are not on winter break, you obviously do not go to Princeton and are therefore unworthy of my kind regards in the first place. I suggest you stop reading now.

So, fellow Princetonians, you’re mom’s so dumb, she got a B at Harv–-

Never mind… I open this blog up to all internet users, regardless of collegiate affiliation.

So, in order to organize the entropy within my tortured mind, I regret that I must make my first post a rather bland summation of my plans for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa (note the two A’s)/Boxing Day break. I just started thinking about how there should be a winter holiday for atheists who don’t necessarily ascribe to a certain religious doctrine but derive pleasure from consumer orgies and specialty nostalgic Starbucks drinks that incorporate eggnog, gingerbread, etc. Oh wait…

But don’t worry, the Charlie Brown Christmas Special voiced this frustration with consumerism well enough for all of us. I have no intention of competing with the eloquence and subtle social criticism that is the Peanuts cartoons.

(Brief tangent before my bland summation of Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa-with-two-A’s/Boxing Day break: As an atheist, I would rather see Christmas be a Christian holiday than whatever it is now. In relgious education class in seventh grade, the nice old Catholic ladies asked us why people exchanged gifts at Christmas, and the brainwashed children at St. Andrew’s promptly responded with bullshit about the three wise men and their gold and two other presents for Jesus that I can’t spell, but I, on the other hand, I fought the assumptions, exposing the commercialist puppeteering of all of us, revealing our twisted belief in some sacred justification for the disgustingly superficial outpouring of consumerist ideals once a year. But like Galileo, and Da Vinci, and the handfull of other persecuted geniuses, I was not taken seriously.)

So… plans for break. Here they are:

*Review all of AB Calculus. I almost cried when I went to the U-Store and bought the Princeton Review’s prep book, previously believing that I could sever all ties I once had with the Princeton Review (we were quite the item for a while, although it was mainly PR prostituting me, making me feel degraded and lost, with no other choice but to come grovelling, looking for direction in life. I can’t decide whether Pimp or Cult Leader is a more apt analogy… I leave that up to the readers). (Sometimes I find that my most profound thoughts are parenthetical, then I realized that I was talking about the Princeton Review being a pimp/cult leader, and promptly reconsidered my brief moment self-praise.)

*Record dialogue for Princeton-in-Beijing

*Write application for Princeton-in-Beijing. “Dear Zhou laoshi, please let me go to Beijing so I can impress Goldman-Sachs with my worldliness, or else I’ll have no choice but to go back to Binghamton and work at Arby’s, a popular American fast food restaurant devoted to the sale of overpriced, processed roast beef sandwiches.”

(Perhaps I should consider my motive/thesis a little more deeply. Can anyone say DRAFT CONFERENCE?!?!)

*Review all microeconomics learned during the first semester. If Mankiw and Rosen were to box eachother, I wonder who would win. I first need to Google Mankiw…..

….

ahem… GEEEEK. Rosen would totally clean that shit up. P-TON REPRESENT, yo.

*Write final essay for Freshman Seminar. Should not be too hard, considering I ripped off Nabokov multiple times during the genesis of this blog… It’s really not that I have no original ideas of my own. It’s just that Nabokov’s ideas are a lot better… why should I feel guilty about that fact? Sigh… the tribulations of being a realist.

There are obviously more things that I will (try to) accomplish over the course of the next three weeks. But I’m not up to writing about all of them. I prefer to leave you all aroused by my fancy prose style, drooling and yearning for my anticipated return, probably in the rain. And fear not! For I will return, and those who were truly loyal will have salvation (don’t quote me on that in case there really is Heaven and Hell and stuff).

Okay, bye.

-John